Why it has to be imperfect in this perfect relationship?

From the bottom of my heart, a lingering question persists – why? We triumphed over the war of infertility, a journey often described as a roller coaster, but for me, it was more like a series of rough rides with no moments of exhilaration. I find myself asking, why us? This questioning began long before the idea of marriage or having children entered my mind. Witnessing my parents navigate challenges in raising us three siblings, I initially resisted the traditional path of marriage and motherhood.

However, life and love had different plans. Falling deeply in love, my perspective shifted. I embraced the idea of marriage and envisioned having children before turning 30. Following the plan, we married when I was 24, and by 26, we seriously considered starting a family. Three years into marriage, the reality was not as simple as we hoped. Concerns led us to seek advice from fertility physicians, where my first question echoed - why the struggle to conceive?

Countless blood tests, ultrasounds, and MRIs ensued, and I continually wondered why I, as the wife, was the sole recipient of these invasive procedures. Though explanations existed, I remained unsatisfied. After two rounds of Clomid and IUI yielded no success, we faced the daunting prospect of IVF. Entering this war against infertility, I questioned why I had to endure the daily barrage of hormone shots, medications, mood swings, and anxiety. The first round of IVF ended in disappointment as genetic testing revealed no positive results. The second round brought a glimmer of hope with one normal embryo.

Upon becoming pregnant, disbelief mingled with joy, but the elation was short-lived. A follow-up ultrasound shattered our happiness as the news of a miscarriage unfolded. Why did I have to be part of the 4% statistic? The reason behind the miscarriage remains unknown, and it was a challenging time for everyone involved. Despite the internal turmoil, strength emerged, allowing me to navigate the pain and resist discussing the ordeal with others.

The loss, although difficult, felt like a mere trailer for what was to come. Another round of IVF followed, marked by changes in medications and heightened discomfort. Everything revolved around the shots, pills, and the anticipation of potential success. This time, the outcome was more promising – four genetically normal embryos, providing us with renewed chances of achieving a successful pregnancy. The journey may be arduous, but the hope persists, along with the unspoken question – why? 

Death of our unseen child

There's a saying that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Yet, in the context of our child's life, it feels like life never handed us lemons, making it difficult to find any silver lining. Despite the challenges, we hold onto hope and faith, believing that a miracle may happen one day.

On April 30th, 2020, our little Asmi came into the world, but she faced an uphill battle. Born at just 18 weeks, she didn't have a heartbeat. The preceding 18 weeks were a rollercoaster of emotions – anxiety, excitement, and dreams. A bleeding episode around the 8th week introduced worry, but the pregnancy seemed to progress well until the 16th week.

On April 11th, another heavy bleeding episode struck, prompting fear for Asmi's well-being. A call to the physician's office advised waiting until Monday, but the persistence of cramps and bleeding led us to the ER. Placenta previa was diagnosed, introducing another term for us to research. Blogs provided valuable insights as we navigated this challenging time.

The bleeding began to subside, offering a brief respite. A follow-up ultrasound confirmed placenta previa, providing relief that it posed no risk to the baby. However, on April 22nd, another episode of bleeding occurred, prompting a call to the physician's office. In the workplace the next day, a large clot and subsequent bleeding led to tears and a call to Ananta. The guilt of not giving 100% at work weighed heavily on me during this challenging time.

The bleeding persisted for a week, with a visit to the ER on April 26th revealing a clot in the cervix, though doctors were not overly concerned. Despite this, on April 27th, feeling unwell with cramps and a low-grade fever, anxiety set in. The next day, I felt better, but around 1 pm, a sensation of leaking and soaking my pad occurred. Ananta called the doctor's office, leading to a clinic visit. The revelation of amniotic fluid brought heartbreak, and I was wheeled upstairs for an ultrasound. Asmi was struggling, and the heartbreaking decision loomed – her survival without amniotic fluid was uncertain.

During this turmoil, heavy bleeding occurred, prompting Ananta to call for help. The situation escalated, leading to an ambulance ride to the hospital. Upon arrival, it became clear that we had lost Asmi. The delivery was fraught with risk due to severe blood loss, and an emergency surgery was necessary. Stabilized after surgery and blood transfusions, we faced the painful decision of what to do with Asmi.

Unable to see her or her body, her soul remains in our hearts. Asmi is at peace, free from pain and expectations. Though she left too soon, she will always be cherished and loved by Mom and Dad.

Hope that was only a dream

 It was an ordinary Friday night, and after dinner, Ananta suggested watching a movie in the basement. We all agreed, choosing "Isi and Ossi" for our Valentine's Day movie night. The enjoyment of the movie was secondary to the pleasure of being together. Ananta, with his penchant for extended movie nights, proposed another film – "Contagion." As usual, he took his medications and shots with precision, claiming he might have given more shots than some nurses, a claim I did not dispute.

I typically doze off during the second movie, regardless of its quality. Around 1:30 am, I suddenly felt like I had urinated and woke up Ananta. A second gush made it clear it wasn't urine – I was bleeding. Turning on the lights, we discovered a puddle of fresh red blood and clots. My immediate fear was that I had miscarried again. Tearfully, I tried to clean up in the bathroom, Ananta kneeling beside me. However, he began feeling dizzy. Realizing he needed care, I shifted my focus from the unborn child to my present husband, and my tears stopped.

We managed to clean up as best as we could, discarding blood-stained clothes and bedsheets. Going upstairs to sleep, I couldn't save myself from reading blogs, one suggesting saving the tissue. Ananta got Ziplock bags, but he couldn't bear to watch me go back to the trash bag. I gathered the tissue, placing it in a Ziplock bag inside a medication bottle.

Reflecting on human nature, I noted our tendency to fear the future, though, in actual crises, we often find resilience. After an hour, we somehow fell asleep. We woke around 5:00 am, the day of my dad's surgery back home. I contemplated the value of money when it couldn't buy time with loved ones. I called the doctor's office after 7:00 am, left a voice message, and got a call back to schedule an ultrasound at 9:30.

Early at the doctor's office, we discussed our lack of hope after the previous night's ordeal. During the ultrasound, before the nurse spoke, Ananta, excited and shocked, saw the heartbeat. They couldn't identify the source of the bleeding. The baby was fine – a great heartbeat, a healthy cervix, and a sound sac. It felt like a miracle, reshaping our plans on the drive back home. I was sad for not having that cup of coffee from Starbucks and missing out on a jumbo coke with caffeine. It was hard to believe that the previous night had not been a terrible dream.

चाड बाड

चाड बाड आउँदा मन निचुरिएर आउछ फेरी तेही निचुरिएको मनले केही लेख्न जमर्को दिएको छ। यसपाली चाड बाडको अनी आफन्तको अभाबलाई आत्म साथ गर्दै केही लेखेको छु कस्तो लाग्यो कमेन्ट गरिदिनु होला


जनै पुर्णिमा आयो बिधी पुराइ क्वाटी नि खाइयो
तर  जनै र तावा बिनाको जनै पुर्णिमा के रमाइलो

कृष्ण जन्माष्टमी आउँदा आउँदै गयो
देशमा जस्तो रमाइलो कहाँ देख्न पाइयो

बाबुको मुख हेर्ने दिन फेसबुकले काम चल्यो
अर्को बर्ष पक्का आउछु भन्दै फेरी टारियो

आज तीज अरे,मनमा होइन फेसबुकमा
उदासिले छोडेको छैन न त देश्मा न पर्देशमा

दशै आउछ तर निधार ले टिका पाउछ पाउदैन
टिकाको दिन सनिबार आइतबार पर्छ पर्दैन

यसपाली को तिहारमा  आउँदैन होला भन्छ भाई
देशमा भएपो बिदा हुन्थियो, निरास  हुँदै भन्छ भाई

चाड बाड  सम्झदै गाडी चडेर डलर कमाउन सजिलो ?
या देशमै बसेर दुइ चार पैसाले चाड बाड टार्न सजिलो ?

कुन सजिलो अझै पत्तो पाउन सक्या छैन
बिगत तेर्ह बर्ष देखी यो मन दोमन हुन छोड्याछैन

फर्केर जाउ कसरी, कमाइ खाने भाडो बलियो छैन
आफु तड्पिए पनि अरुको खुशी छिन्न सक्या छैन

म त सुली चडे चडे, अरु कोही नचडे हुन्थियो
आमा बाबु बिरामी पर्दा गोडान मुनी पर्न पाए हुन्थियो

आसुँ
०९/१२/२०१८

तागत

घरको सबै भन्दा कुनाको त्यो खालि कोठा 
आठ वर्ष देखिको तिम्रो र मेरो मनको रहर
तिस नपुग्दै दुइ सन्तानको आमा हुने मेरो चाह
उफ्फ़ खाली कोठा हाम्रो रहर अनि मेरो चाह

समाजलाई उत्तर दिदादिदै थाकेको यो मन
आफुलाई सम्झाउदा सम्झाउदै झरेको यो मुटु
खुसीको नाटक गर्दा गर्दै बिसाएको यो ओठ
उफ्फ़ यो मन यो मुटु अनि बिसाएको यो ओठ

समाज बीच रमाउने म, आजभोलि खोक्रो लाग्छ
अब त सुरु गर्नु पर्यो, भन्छन भन्ने डर लाग्छ
आलो घाउ कोट्टाउछ समाज चिच्चाउन मन लाग्छ
उफ्फ़ यो खोक्रो पना यो डर अनि यो चिट्चिहाट

कोठाले रंग पाएको छैन, नत रहरले गीत पाएको छ
चाहनाले मनको सागर तर्न, अझै कती बाँकी छ
बस अब रंगले पोतेर गीत गाउदै सागर तर्नु छ
उस्को कमीलाइ तागत मानेर खोक्रोपनाबाट निस्कनु छ

आँशु 

०८/२०/२०१८ 

फर्केर आउ

फर्केर आउ नभन मलाई, फर्कने रहर यता पनि छ
बस् देश अनी देश बासीसँग, सम्झौता गर्न बाँकी छ  ।

एउटा छोरा पाउन, गणेश पुराण नलगाए पुग्छ 

सँस्कार को नाममा बाहुन क्षत्री भन्न छाडे पुग्छ 

भयो साडी लगाएर सँस्कार  जोगिदैन 

भोली मेरै छोरी बलात्‍कृत हुन्न भन्न सकिदैन 

धड्कन भएकी छोरीलाई गर्बमै नतुहाए पुग्छ 

बलात्कारीलाई पासो दिने कानुन ल्याए पुग्छ 

फर्कने रहर मन मुटुमा कती छ कती छ 

कसरी फर्कु म त्यहाँ, जहाँ एउटी छोरी असुरक्षित छ ?

फर्केर आउ नभन मलाई, फर्कने रहर यता पनि छ
बस् देश अनी देश बासीसँग, सम्झौता गर्न बाँकी छ   । । 

पढेकी बुहारी खुशी खुशी छोरा सँग दफ्तर गए पुग्छ

सुख अनी दु:खमा ससुरालाई अङालो मारेर रुन पाए पुग्छ

बाबु छोराले खाएको थाल,  गर्गटोमा लगेर छोडे पुग्छ

आँफैले पकाको खाना, चिसो नहुँदै खान पाए पुग्छ 

छोरीले आँफै  बिहे गर्ने उमेर भयो भन्न पाए पुग्छ 

बस् समाजले कुरा नकाटी बिधवाको  बिहे गराए पुग्छ

सन्तान जन्माउने निर्णय घोचपेच बिना आँफै गर्न पाए पुग्छ
धेरै मागेकी छैन हे देश , नारीले अधिकार पाए पुग्छ

फर्कने रहर मन मुटुमा कती छ कती छ 

तर कसरी फर्कु म त्यहाँ, जहाँ एउटा नारीको स्वाभिमानमा प्रश्न छ ? 

फर्केर आउ नभन मलाई, फर्कने रहर यता पनि छ
बस् देश अनी देश बासीसँग, सम्झौता गर्न बाँकी छ   । । ।
आशु
०६-१२-२०१८ 

सम्झदा तिमीलाई

सम्झदा तिमीलाई, मन मुटु चुडिएर आएको छ
दिमागले फेसबूक खोलेर, तिमीलाई हेर भनेको छ
धन्न मुहारपुस्तिका छ र ,तिमीलाई हेर्ने बाहना छ
नभए त तिमी कहाँ म कहाँ, सम्भव कहाँ छ
मात्र तिमीलाई सम्झेर, उदास हुने अधिकार छ
मलाई सम्झने नसम्झने, बस तिम्रो हातमा छ
भयो नसम्झनु, यो मनले कतै किनारा पाएको छ
बस कहिले काही तिम्रो सम्झनामा कलम सरेको छ
06/05/2018
Aanshu