April 16..

April 16 is unforgetful day for each and every individual who proudly says he/she is a Hookie, who is Hookie fan, or who is related to man kind. It was the day on 2007 when Virginia Tech massacre took place. Altogether 32 individuals were killed, but along with them whole community's trust was crashed and were hurt. It was not a easy day for a whole world. Was just thinking yesterday night whose fault was that. 
April 16, 2007 I got a call from my parents, they were worried and eager to listen my voice to conform that I was doing well. Ya, I used to live in Blacksburg those days and work for Virginia Tech. This was one of the best example of profit of science and technology, since I was at my college 25 minutes apart from Virginia Tech I was not able to get any information about the massacare until I got call from Nepal by my parents and friends. 
Most of the people were criticizing about U.S culture and laws, there went a deep thinking about gun violence, gun laws and everything. At one corner and in little aspect some people were talking about U.S health system specially related to mental health issues. It's been 4 years after the massacare, but I still do think they were right there is a big gap in the U.S system for treating mental health issues. It is hard to find any sustainable program targeted by government for mental health illness. Most of the individual still think that mentally ill patients are not a real patient. But, they are real patient, they need to be cared in the same pace how we care for other critical ill patient.

नयन भित्र राख मलाई

मनको पिडा थाती राखी सुम्पिय तिमीलाई

दुनियाँको आँखा छली अप्नाय तिमीलाई

कता कता मद्येरात्मा झस्किन्छ यो मन

थाहा छैन किन तिम्रो नाउमा तड्पिन्छ यो मन ।।

दुनियाँ छ मेरो पछी म त तिम्रो पछी लागे

मारे पाप पाले पुन्ने मत अब तिम्रै भए

यति धेरै माया देउ संसार सारा भुल्न सकु

पिडा अनी ब्यथा बिना सपनिमा रम्न सकु

अन्धकारको परिबेसमा प्रकासको कड बनिदिनु

आकासको तारा होईन अनन्त सम्म हासो छरिदिनु

बिर्सिदिन्छु बिगतका पलहरु अङालोमा बाध मलाई

पोखिदिन्छु पिडा मनका नयन भित्र राख मलाई

आँशु

के हुन्छ १५ मिनेट धेरै सुते ?

धेरै पछी गहिरो सोचाइमा डुबे आज म तर आफ्नो बारेमा होईन अरुकसैको बारेमा सोचदै थिए। सुताइ अनी जीवन को आनन्द बीच गहिरो वार्तालाप हुदैथियो मेरो मस्तिस्कमा। गुलियो पनि धेरै भयो भने तितो हुन्छ । सुताइ तेति बेला सम्म राम्रो हुन्छ जतिबेला सम्म ज्यानले मागेको हुन्छ। तर धेरै भयो भने त्यो पनि राम्रो हुदैन, सबै कुराले। मन, मस्तिस्क अनी ज्यानलाई हानी हुन थल्छ। ज्यान्मा त हानी हुन्छ सबैलाई थाहा होला तर मन, अनी भाबनामा कसरी असर पार्छ आज थाहा पाउदैछु। आज मेरो दिमागले भन्दै थियो प्रेमी अनी प्रेमिका को बीच को झगडा को कारण बन्न सक्छ सुताइ। असल बुढा अनी बुढी बीच मा तगारो हुन सक्छ सुताइ, जिन्दगीको सबै भन्दा ठुलो गल्ति हुन सक्छ कुनै एक दिन को सुताइ

I tried to feel for you

 Celebrating 42 years of married life is a remarkable achievement and a testament to the strength of your bond. However, if sudden challenges arise, it signals a disturbance in the relationship that should not be ignored. My heartfelt prayers go out to both of you, urging you to find a way to start anew and be together once more.

Living single after such a successful marriage, especially at a stage in life when support and love are needed the most, can be challenging. Reflecting on your shared past can be a powerful tool to rekindle the warmth in your relationship. Recall the happy moments – the first date, the first gift, and all the joyous occasions you celebrated together. Visualize those moments when you held hands on the beach, discussing the plans for your life. Remember the Christmas eves filled with love and the anniversaries that celebrated the joy of being together.

Support each other through this difficult time, and it is likely that the happy moments will overshadow the challenges you face. Take the time to identify the root of the problem and work together to eliminate it from your lives. This effort will not only benefit both of you but also your family and those who care about you.

Sending love and prayers to both of you. Wishing you the best of luck in resolving your differences and rediscovering the love that has sustained you for 42 years. Remember, it's wise to think twice before making any life-altering decisions – it can make all the difference.

It hurts....

It does hurts when you are blamed. It's still hurting me, my heart is crying and tears are rolling down. There should be some reasons for my tears. Why don't you understand it dear. You are my best friend, we were near to our hearts sometime in our life. I know time has changed, its been years that I am not with you but my feelings are not changed. And please I am not changed. "Ya you are changed just as everyone, you are not my Smita sorry but thats the truth". The very first sentence that she used during our conversation after a long time. She claimed me that she was naked to me, then what about me dear was I not naked to you? Don't you know every aspect of my life, my past and my present. But can't you feel me dear, why can't you. At least I do remember our past, our friendship and think about you. But how could you blame me like this.... her anxiety went up, she was upset with me, I felt I had done great mistake in my life... but still I am not able to find my fault... I did everything that used to make her happy. Nothing helped.. in addition to harsh words I was showered with more words that she claims to be truth... but they are not .....at least not for me. 

"You are my friend to whom I entrusted my everything, you broke my trust Smita, you broke my trust, you broke it, you broke my friendship. It is means or not anything now, but you make me something that I was not, you hurt me and I just laughed... I laughed with you... I just do that. Everyone has right to hurt me and you are among them. It was my feelings that was crushed... my friendship to you that u crushed.... why Smita? Do you want me to burn myself ? My friendship never meant to you, I was a faggot, I was just a fun time for you who make you awake.... I never was your friend... I know it all.. I know it... you were all I had Smita.. you were all that to whom I spoke myself to and you did this to me... you did it knowingly..."

Such a harsh words from her.. I had never expected to hear.. but I heard, it hurt me so bad... I cried and cried and nobody listened not even you dear. Still I can see love in your words. Those are not your words... it's not you dear... please take your words back and forgive me if I had hurt you unintentionally. I can't handle these words... I can't.. please I can't... oh my god this is not right..... it hurts me... you mean to say that I don't have any emotions... I don't have a heart to feel the truth... I don't respect the true friendship between you and me... please dear don't do this to me........

I want you to be happy... I don't want you to burn... do not want you to be hopeless....Only thing I do is I do care for you... I think about you ... I do love you... but can't express it... you are my best friend, please dear I didn't used you, you were there to share the feelings not for the fun, you are always my friend you know that from your inner heart. 
Sorry.... 
Aanshu (April 1st 2011)

रोएर हासिदिन्छे

कुनै कारण देखेका छैनन उस्का परिवारले उ निराश हुनुपर्नेमा तर पनि आज सार्है निरास देखिन्छे। कता कता मुटु जलिरहेजस्तो कुनै अतितले ब्युझाएजस्तो । बाहिरको बातावरण उसलाई कोलाहलहै कोलाहलले भरिएको भान हुन्छ । त्यसैले त एकान्त खोजिरहेकी हुन्छे उ कुनै अधेरो कुनामा जहाँ उज्यालोको कुनै प्रतिबिम्ब छैन। कसैलाई फुर्सद छैन यहाँ उसको मौनता को कारण बुझ्न न त कोही बुझ्ने प्रयत्न नै गर्छ। दिनानु दिन पिल्सदै छे उ मायाको अभाबमा । कसैको मायाको न्यानो स्पर्श गर्न चाहन्छे उ तर असम्भ छ यो सब उसका निम्ती किननी उ एक एड्स पीडित नारी हो।

यो समय आइपुग्नुमा सबैले उसलाई मात्र दोशी ठहराउछन अनी घ्रिणा गर्छन् के दोश उसको मात्र हो त? दोश त उसको परिवार , समाज अनी राष्ट्रको हो जस्लेजसले उसलाई यहाँ सम्म आइपुग्न वाध्य बनायो। कुनै अशिक्षित नारी होइन उ , उसलाई कुनै आर्थिक समस्या आइपुगेको थिएन, नत उसलाई कसैले मायामाधोकानै दिएको थियो, तर पनि उसको जीवनको जहाज डुब्न गयो।

उसको बाबु त खोही के मा हो supervisor अरे अनी आमा एउटा संस्थामा संलग्न भइ समाज सेवा गर्दै रे। त्यो supervisor को के काम जसले आफ्नै परिवारलाई बुझ्न सक्दैन अनी त्यो समाज सेविको के काम जसले आफ्नै सन्तानको इक्षा अनी आकंक्षा बुझ्न सक्दैन, जसले आफ्नो परिवार को सेवा गर्न जान्दैन। तेसैले त धिकार्छे उ आफुलाई अनी आफ्नो जन्म्दिनेलाई। अनेकौ कारणले मनिष कुलतमा फस्छ कोही पारिवारिक कारणले त, कोही आर्थिक कारणले भने कोही फस्छन कसैको माया नपाई।

सबै पुगेको थियो उसलाई बिहान उठेदेखी वेलुका सुत्दा सम्म पछी लाग्ने पछउटे पुराइदिएका थिए उसका बाबु आमाले। कृतिम कुराको कुनै अभाब थिएन उसलाई मात्र अभाब थियो त बाबु आमाको स्पर्श। बाबु आमाको उपस्थिती कतिबेला हुन्छ त्यो पनि भुल्नलागिसकेकी छे उ। चाहन्थी उ कुनै दिन आमाले पकाएको खान पाउ, चाहन्थी बाबु संगै खेल्न पाउ । तर दैवको खेल न हो उसका चाहना चाहनामै सिमित हुन्थे, सपना क्षितिज पारी बिलिन हुन्थे।

ठुलि हुँदै जान्छे उ दिनानु दिन परिवार प्रतिको झुकाब घट्दै जान्छ। उसले घरलाई घर होइन धर्मसालाको उपनाम दिन्छे अनी मोडिदिन्छे जिन्दगीका पलहरुलाई एक खाडलमा तर पनि उसका निम्ती त्यही खाडल स्वर्ग सरह हुन्छ। डुबाइदिन्छे आफ्नो तन अनी मनलाई गाजा र धतुरोमा, निरन्तर उडाइदिन्छे आफ्नो जिन्दगी एक सुर्को चुरोटको धुँवामा।

चुरोट र गाजा त केही होइन उसको निम्ती अब सब सामान्य हुँदै जान्छ। फेरी पिडाबाट मुक्त हुन घोचिदिन्छे आफ्नो कोमल शरिरलाई तिनै सुइरा र सिरिन्जले जहाँ हिरोइन र् स्म्याकको खेल भइराखेको हुन्छु अनी सान्त भइदिन्छे उ निमेसभारलाई। तर पनि यो पल उसलाई खुशीनै खुशीले भरिएको जिन्दगीको सरह लाग्दछ। जहाँ कुनै पिडा हुँदैन। त्यो ३५० ग्रामको गिदिले केही सोच्न पुग्दैन मात्र सान्त हुन्छे। तर उसलाई के थाहा फसिरहेको छे उ, टुटिरहेकी छ उ, लडिरहेकी छ जिन्दगीका खुड्किलाबाट।


कोमल शरीर घोच्ने क्रममा उसले आफ्नो जिन्दगीनै घोचिदिन्छे, ठुलो बज्र आआइपुग्छ उसको जिबनमा। उ एक एड्स पीडित ठहरिन्छे, तेसैले लत्ताइमाग्छे यो समाज अनी परिवारबाट । मरेर जीइदिन्छे उ। आशुको बिश पिउदै अनी मृत्‍युको बाटो हेरिरहन्छे पलपल कुनै एकान्त अन्धकारमा। अनी रोएर हासिदिन्छे उ।
(आशु )

मेरा चाहना

सबैलाई खुशी पार्न म आँफै खुशी हुनु पर्छ भन्ने थाहा छ मलाई । तर पनि जब उस्को कलिलो अनुहार सामुन्ने आउछ म सबै बिर्सदै जान्छु अनी उस्को दु:ख सँगसङै आफुलाई तेही भुलाउन खोज्छु। उस्का हर चाहना हरु पुरा गर्ने रहर छ मेरो। उस्का सबै ईच्छा हरु पूर्ण गर्ने द्रिध अठोट छ मेरो। तर मेरो सबै चाहना अनी मन का कुराहरु बिलन हुँदैजान्छन जब म यो स्वर्थी संसार मा पैला टेक्छु। हर रात राक्षसरुपी मानिस हरुले आक्रमण गर्छन् मेरा
बिचार अनी चाहनहरुलाई ।
त्यो सानो गाउको ठिटो मेरो प्रतिक्षामा छ जस्तो छ। मेरो आसमा छ जस्तो छ। म उसलाई अङालोमा हाल्न चाहन्छु उस्को नजिक गएर उस्को दु:ख सोध्न चाहन्छु उस्का सबै पिर हरु अनी चाहन हरु पुर गर्न चाहन्छु । तर मेर सबै चाहना हरु हावामा कता हराउछन कता। जब म होसमा आउछु बिचरा बालक मेरो आस गर्न छोड्छ अनी आफ्नो सबै चाहन हरु पुरा हुँदैन भनी सधैं को लागि यो संसार छोडेर जान्छ। यही अभागी हुँ म जस्का ईच्छा हरु कही कतै दुबुल्की मार्दैछन। अनी आफ्नो जीवन को लक्षलाई पुरा गर्न तत्पर छ। उस्लाई अबस्ये थाहा छ उस्को ईच्छा पुरा हुन्छ। जिन्दगीमा आएको कुनै बालकलाई उस्ले अबस्ये सेवा गर्नेछ ,मद्घत गर्नेछ। मात्र समयको प्रतिक्षा मा छ। भोली को दिनले उस्लाई कुर्दैछ। नयाँ युग को प्रतिक्षा मा छ।
Aanshu